The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
