he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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