id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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