I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
