Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
