Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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