we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
