I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
