I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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