I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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