I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
