I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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