so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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