I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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