Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
