i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
