Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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