I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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