Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
