You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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