I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
