Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
