Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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