The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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