How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
