You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
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I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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