I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Randomize
