K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
