Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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