I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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