sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
