Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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