my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
