your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
