Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
