no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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