brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
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I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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