my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.