I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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