Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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