I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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