Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
