Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
