everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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