I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
