we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
