Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
