cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
