At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
