I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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