Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
