It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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