Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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