i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
