I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
